By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
