saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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