I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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