my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
