you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
