i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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