im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
