Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
