i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she told me i tasted like america
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
