sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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