You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
