a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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