My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
