Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
