and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
