My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
