Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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