the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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