he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Hippo gnu deer
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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