Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So vagazzling was a success
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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