I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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