It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
