My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My life is pants optional.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
