Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
