pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
