I am puke
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
