I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
