Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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