fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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