you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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