just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
