I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
