Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
