I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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