my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
