I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
