you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
