if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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