I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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