I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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