Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So much rum. So many feels.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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