I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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