the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
