I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
