In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
