Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
