can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
