Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
