a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
