I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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