3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
They took my balls.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She needs sedatives and a leash
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
