I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
