I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
