Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
