there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
