Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
