best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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