it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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