I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
