Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
