so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You're like the curious george of whores
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
