apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
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You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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