I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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